


Javert's Immortal

by La_Prima_Donna



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Bad Spelling & Grammar, Crack, Deliberate Badfic, Emo!Javert, Emo!Valjean, Emos, Goths, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Javert's POV, M/M, Madeleine Era, My Immortal - Freeform, My Immortal Rewrite, Outdoor Sex, Parody, Sex in the woods, badfic, church, mosh pit, sermon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 20:56:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10227176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/La_Prima_Donna/pseuds/La_Prima_Donna
Summary: Lo and behold, the first five chapters of the infamous "My Immortal", rewritten from the point of view of the practically canon emo, Inspector Javert.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/273455) by XXXbloodyrists666XXX. 



> Well, this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever written.
> 
> Just to clear things up a little: I am keeping true to the format and content of My Immortal as much as possible. This includes, of course, intentional misspellings and constant random author’s notes. I have, though, changed a lot of the story to simply be a better fit for the time period/characters of Les Mis. However, for the sake of comedy, I’ve intentionally left some things as they were (for example, Jav’s fishnet stockings and goffic makeup). 
> 
> Enjoy (and fangz for readin),
> 
> -BWR

***

Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way, plus she already has a real gf), Wiznerd the Eagle, 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Alasdair ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! FRANZ SCHUBERT ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi my name is Inspector Law Dark’ness Stars Raven Javert and I have long brown hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Philip Quast (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to him but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m Romani but I have risen above my birth. I have dark skin. I’m also a police inspector in Montreuil-Sur-Mer, and I used to guard a prison in Toulon when I was seventeen (I’m 40 now). I’m emo and goth (in case you couldn’t tell), but I love the Bible and the Law and I only ever wear my uniform. I love the French government because I got my uniform from there, but I also like to wear accessories from Topique Chaud. My uniform is a big dark blue coat with a white shirt and a black cravat underneath, with black pants and black boots and a black tophat with black fishnets. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking around Montreuil-Sur-Mer. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of lawbreakers stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Javert!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Monsieur Madeleine!

“What’s up Monsieur le Maire?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard the other policemen call me and I had to go away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

 

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 Wiznerd 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I got out of bed and ate a baguette I had. My sheets were black ebony and hot pink with black lace on the ends. I got out of my bed and took of my giant nightshirt which had Bible quotes and laws on it which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on my uniform and the rosary the Mayor gave me, and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My “friend” (he’s not really my friend because I’m too emo to have friends, but he’s a police guy so he’s okay) Leponte (AN: Wiznerd made him up lol) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his forest-green eyes. He put on his uniform with fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Monsieur Madeleine yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like him?” he asked as we went into the police station.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Monsieur Madeleine walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, the priest is having a sermon in the church.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love sermons. They are my favorite things, besides the law.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

 

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN WIZNERD! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da words 4 da Bible.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on my coat and my tophat. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I thought about jumping off a bridge. I read a book about the law and I listened to some sermons. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I ate a baguette so I was ready to go to the sermon.

I went outside. Monsieur Madeleine was waiting there in front of a coach. He was wearing a ruffled jacket, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Monsieur le Maire!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Javert.” he said back. We walked into the coach and went to the place with the sermon. On the way we excitedly recited sermons and psalms. We both smoked cigarettes and had some snuff. When we got there, we both hopped out of the coach. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the sanctuary and jumped up and down as we listened to the sermon.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” said the priest (I don’t own da words 2 da bible).

“The priest is so fucking god-fearing.” I said to the Mayor, pointing to him as he spoke, filling the church with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Monsieur le Maire looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the sermon. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Monsieur Madeleine sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know him and he’s devoted to God” I said lovingly, thinking of God’s bearded face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Monsieur Madeleine. After the sermon, we drank some wine and asked the priest and Jesus for their autographs and portraits with them. We got custom rosaries. Monsieur Madeleine and I crawled back into the coach, but Monsieur Madeleine didn’t direct the coachman back to the Mairie, instead he took us into……………………… the woods!

[[ A/N: Yes, there’s a mosh pit in the church. I, for one, can’t imagine how churches DON’T have mosh pits. -BWR ]]

 

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok Javert’s name is JAVARE nut mary su OK! MNOSEIUR MAEDLINE IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“MONSIEUR LE MAIRE!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

The Mayor didn’t answer but he stopped the coach and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Javert?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Monsieur Madeleine leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic brown eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and saintliness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly Madeleine kissed me passionately. Madeleine climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my uniform and I took of his clothes. I even took of my tophat. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my dark body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was……………………………………………………. Bishop Myriel!

[[ A/N: Bottom!Javert is the only way to go, folks. -BWR ]]

 

Chapter 5.

[[ A/N: McGoogle and Snap should have different Les Mis equivalents. But, for now, this made the most sense (which is still no sense). -BWR ]]

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Myrile swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bishop Myriel made and Madeleine and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Madeleine comforted me. When we went back to the town Bishop Myriel took us to Chabouillet and Guisquet who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the woods!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Gisquet.

“How dare you?” demanded Chabouillet.

And then Madeleine shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Myriel and Gisquet still looked mad but Chabouillet said. “Fine. Very well. You may go.”

Madeleine and I went away while the people glared at us.

“Are you okay, Javert?” Madeleine asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my house and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a black nightshirt with red lace all around it. When I came out….

Madeleine was standing in front of my bathroom, and he started to sing ‘A Heart full of Love’ from Les Misérables. I was so flattered, even though I don't know how he got into my house. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back to his house.

[[ A/N: I can’t believe I actually did this. 

Fangz again,  
-BWR ]]

***


End file.
